i'M gLaD. .

i'm so glad dat i started partying young. . thou it has certainly given me a few hiccups along e way. but at least, im pretty sure to sae dat ive almost seen it all. . seen everyting dat i needed to see, learnt watever i needed to learn. . so at least nw dat im 24, thou i still cant be 100% sure of wat i realli wan. .

but im 100% certain wat isit dat i dunwan anymore. .

guex clubg nw is more of seeing hw i was like in e past. .

i hope 2007 will be able to allow moiself to gain 100% of knowing wat i wan in life. .n achieving it. . to many pple esp guys. . 24 is prob still pretty ok, pretty young. .

but to me. . being 24 turning to 25 has made me realise dat 'hey von, guex 24 yrs of fun is enuf'. . it's time to take a step forward n pursue e more impt tings in life. .

gal, i dunwana be a pathetic girl. . ive cried alot over e past few daes. . cried enuf. . but its ok to cry moi heart out rather than bottling everyting rite?

enuf of silly tings ive done over e past few nites. . so no more cough syrup for me. . no more cry baby at nites . .

mIsSiNg mUmMy aGaIn..

jux finished watching confession of pain. alot of mixed feelings again. .

y do pple wait till their loved ones die or are goin to die then they come to realise the importance of the person?

but it's not like ive totally mastered tis skill too. . of telling pple i love dat i realli love em. . never had e courage to tell moi mum, yi ma ma, godpa, godmum, daddy etc. .

shld i sae i like e show or not? i dunoe. . jux when i feel so sad, watching tis sorta shw jux kinda rub tings in, doesnt it?

if i haf e courage to commit suicide. . then i'd prob haf died alot of times. .

smetimes i wonder if i had chosen e other path, wld it haf been beta?

to live is not a bliss, but a torture. .

when will e true chirpy von be back again?

when will von c e rainbow again?

not gona write abt tis xmas

I hate moiself for having tis sensitive n worse, e BINGO sensitive feeling. . I hate it . I jux hate it.

Anw it’s a bingo feeling again tis time round. . I smehw cld jux feel dat tis time round was so different. Over e wkend was indeed a hapie wkend, moments where I felt dat afterall I shldnt have been so afraid all these while to step into it.

Well, but dreams never last long dun they? Yvonne yvonne, when will u wake up to ur senses?

Then again, its alwix not u hurting me or me hurting u. . isn’t dat alwix e case when it comes to a relationship?

I am alwix so stupid. . I officially would like to wish for myself to suffer from amnesia. Forgetting everything in my life even if it has to mean forgetting my family, moi doggies, moi lovely frens. . otherwise, I jux wan to forget whatever dat has happened this yr. . for the few of u who have been thru w me during e mths of august to october.. u’ll noe y. . besides moi mummy’s death, this period has been e 2nd blow in moi entire life.

But im so glad I pick moiself up yet again, thou till date I dunoe if I really had made e right decision. . but then again who is to decide which was e right n which was e wrong decision? Right here, I would like to thank you pple n moi family, at e same time apologise for this period of time. . esp to moi daddy n moi auntie. . sorie aunt, I broke ur heart smehw by choosing e other path in e end. . but till date, it also still hurts me so when I tink back. . daddy, I loved u n dats y I chose e path u felt was rite for me. . mummy, I didnt expect moiself to haf faced such a situation. . n I wonder sometimes was it how daddy made u choose dat path previously?

Sometimes I wished mummy was still ard. . mummy will alwix be e one dat I can tok to n understand hw I reali feel, n give me e best advice in everything I do.

Mummy, I miss u so much. . But mummy, bcox of u, nothing and no one else (maybe not even e 2nd blow) can ever ever cause e huge amt of eternal hurt to me. .

When I tink of mummy, I still will cry. . when I tink of e 2nd incident, sometimes I still can control n console moiself. . but mummy – no no. . . nthg else shall ever break me again. .

So whatever news dat haf been broken to me abt me n him. . after writing e above, im glad im feeling beta. . cox I can onli feel it’s a waste that another chance is not given. . or maybe everything jux came in too late for me to open moi heart. I shall jux leave tings to fate. Even when I wanted to lk for e fortune teller jux nw, she didn’t wana see me. . so sad. . she said she’s closed. . maybe it’s jux god’s will. . afterall… If he comes back, he comes back, if he doesn’t, its ok cox we’re still frens. . n I’ll be hapie for him (jux like in e past) when he finds e rite girl for him.

Finally, wat doesn’t break von jux makes von a stronger person. N pals, maybe dat explains y to all of u, I am such a strong person. Make me cry; make me cry (w/o using moi mummy n perhaps e 2nd blow). Cox when I can’t cry out, it’s so terrible. .


2007 is coming.. meaning NYE is coming. . I miss last yr’s Xmas eve n NYE. . I miss Rosa being ard. . (not miss miss) but with her around, she jux irritates e hell outta me yet make me laugh . but mich’s improving too. Mich, if sme dae u happen to haf access to moi blog, I love ur Hello Kitty joke at tis time. . u MADE IT! U made me laugh like hw rosa does when im feeling dwn. . so uve made it cox uve reached e stage where u can help me by making me cry when I cant n making me laugh when I cant.

And of cox lee khim, if ever u get to read tis too, thks for being moi secret listening ear all these while. . im a coward in revealing moi true feelings to e person I like. .n wun tell e rest of moi frens hw I feel towards him cox they will jux tell me Yvonne, dun cause harm to pple again….but at least I noe I’ve told someone moi true feelings to abt tis guy, n dat person is u.

I guex I am more or less feeling beta now after writing, after tinking of moi mummy. . after doin sme self reflections at starbucks jux nw. . n nw in moi mind, is building a list of resolution for coming 2007 to make von a better person. . J

xMaS iS dRaWiNg NeAr

was jux reading moi own blog n i recalled hw wonderful moi 2004 xmas was. . . indeed memorable..so i tot i'd beta pen dwn moi 2005 xmas before i forget again...keke...

xmas eve was one of e more peaceful nites last yr w michelle n rosa (cox i rem i was at e period where i was super single. .jux didnt wana date anyone, wana be involved in any r/s or jux cldnt find one..ahaha...

anw xmas eve on 2005 was pretty fun cox we had a mini bbq at rosa's hse. . .e mini bbq onli lasted for a short while cox we ran out of cork...(it's a long story) . . so in e end, mich n i 'DEMONSTRATED' our AMAZING 'anyhw cook' skills to cook up all e remaining food items...ahahaha.....then rosa's frens came along n joined in the 'party'. . . they whipped up our food...apparently, they found it delicious...HAHA...michelle n i were wondering if we wld all get diarrhoea e v.nite or nxt dae...but thk gOd! ahhahaa...we were all doin fine....n then we watched 'L' word. .

i tink dat was all for dat xmas eve. . .


certainly hope tis yr's xmas wld be a splendid one too....stay tuned!

another dae of confusion

been tinking and of cox everydae i haf been tinking god noes since when abt tis:

am i realli dat picky?
am i realli such a perfectionist where i realli cant tolerate jux a single human error, but i moiself am full of errors too?
when can i noe wat i wan in life, in love?
when can i find moi mr rite?
or there has been e mr rite smewhere close but smehw due to moi perfectionsm, whoever is the 'he' jux doesnt feel like he's e rite one?
will i ever get married?
will i stay loyal after marriage?
will moi partner stay loyal after marriage?

at e end of e dae, who doesnt wan to find smeone to settle dwn for e rest of his/her life? ok, not at least for me. . . i realli do wana find smeone rite to settle dwn with.....but y do i alwix end up not being able to (whether its due to moi own choice or e other party's choice).

i mean i dun enjoy alwix jumping in n out of r/s or wat ricky defines as me victimising pple. . . and/or in ricky's context, being victimised by pple. . . . .

uR cOnfEsSiOn, mOi cOnfUsIoN

u finally confessed last nite. u finally admitted.
im glad (for our frenship) dat u admitted.

but im still having tis mixed feeling inside me. u caused e both of us to slp so late last nite. . im so tired nw. . i had such a long talk w her last nite over this matter.

i can onli tell u im alil worried deep dwn in moi heart. cox i noe she's utterly disappointed in u. . so much so dat she's willing to give up e frenship w u. . not bcox of ur husband. but its bcox of u, ur character, ur personality, hw self centred u are to e extent she cant tolerate animore. she feels she no longer understand u. . cox ure not e fren she noes. . . i mean i dun wish to c dat our frenship for like 16 yrs jux breakup like dat!

hw i wish u can, jux for e sake of this frenship, stop wat u r doin nw, jux for tis once. i mean we've been letting u do wat u wan, everyting, everyone ard u alwix give in to you.. for once, can u jux do smeting for us?

do u realise how serious tis ting can be? haf u ever spared a tot for ur husband? haf u put urself in his shoes or c e entire picture frm a 3rd party's point of view? can u c hw much he's changed, done, SACRIFICED for u!? haf u haf u haf u!?!?!?!

haf u realised he was such an arrogant, self-centred person but has evolved to such an entire humble person bcox of u!? haf u realised he has done so much for u, for ur family? haf u realised hw much care he has given to u n ur family? without even asking u to jux give alittle to his family? haf u realised hw much he has sacrificed for u, by allowing u to haf everyting ur way till e extent of respecting u not to convert, not having to stay at his place but HE staying w u, not goin thru any of their ceremonies, customs? haf u tot of hw he'd feel dat u noe his marriage doesnt even involve any of his relatives to share tis joy w him?

haf u seen hw much he has done in preparations for e wedding? did u noe he was so afraid dat e flowers werent ready in time n hw afraid he was dat if u cant c e flowers on e morning of ur wedding dae even thou its not gona be any fault of his? did u noe he stayed at the bridal shop till 2plus 3am for e flowers jux before e wedding morning? did u noe abt all these!?! did u did u?

do u understand n c e picture hw much he has done for u during the entire funeral? did u c dat he was left alone by u during e entire funeral? did u realise he did not even dare to complain alittle and still did wat he doesnt even need to do during the funeral? running all the errands? praying to ur dad no Christian nor Muslim will ever do? Did u?!

u noe, i realli hope it's jux a folly of mistake dat u r making rite nw n u can quickly wake up from your senses before everything blows up. . realli. . cox i noe ure jux alil blinded for e moment by all the honeyed words n i noe u'll wake up.

i dun wish to see u wake up to having to lose everyting and end up with nothing in the end. cant u jux do us tis favor by listening to wat we noe exactly wat is gd for u?

y cant u trust me dat tis guy is jux out to haf fun w u!? y y y? sigh. . moi heart aches for ur husband and for u. .

haf u wondered hw much u gona lose, hw hard ure gona fall?

fine, not urself. haf u ever wondered wat if pple ard ur husband found out dat ure doin smeting behind his back n tell him? hw is he goin to face them? u noe dat he loves u so much dat if he noes it himself, he'd forgive u, he'll accept u still. but wat if he didnt noe it himself first?

tis is where ure SO SO SELFISH and makes me so ANGRY! u cant jux tink of urself all e time n tink dat everyting will flow when e time comes!!!!
U CANT! Y R U SO STUPID N SELFISH!

argh!!!!!!!

sToP hAuNtInG mE!

everyting is almost back to normal...but y does he kip haunting me? smsing me asking me hw am i? thou he's not e one who causes everyting, but he's His best fren....maybe he realli cares for me as his fren too, BUT he jux reminds me of everyting dat has happened...e physical, mental torment...all e torture i brought to moiself n even moi family, moi frens, pple ard me.......

jux stop it! stop smsing me! everydae when i knock off, im so afraid i'll c his fren outside waiting to tok to me...when im out, i alwix pray dat i will not see him or his fren....

i alwix ask moiself, wat shall i do if i realli do c em? i realli wish i will be able to pretend like ive lost moi memory, totally dun recognise them n walk pass em like they belong to every other strangers dat i walk pass every other dae, every other min when im out. . . pls...tell me wat shld i do?

i jux wan to totally put this entire past behind me....after jan....when e last bit is settled....

i noe u care (or maybe ure caring on behalf of him cox he noes i will totally ignore him) but pls....i realli hope u will not sms or call me.....jux leave me alone...dats e best u can do to help me......pls................

dIsApPoInTmEnT...do not preach wat u cant do

marriage...y do pple get married or wana get married?

when u decide to marry dat person. . when u offered dat ring, when u accept dat ring/proposal, when u apply for flat, did u ever ask urself y r u doin so? did u ever or will u ever?

jux bcox time is rite after 4 yrs? 5yrs? 7 yrs? bcox of convenience? bcox he propose, so u accept? or bcox of wat? ixit bcox u realli like e person n u wana spend e rest of ur life w him/her? or to marry n commit in adultery lata?

wat's e society coming into?

ever since tis entire incident ive seen. . . i haf tis fear in marriage...not jux fear abt e opp partner...but fear abt e entire ting abt marriage...i mean unless i can realli find smeone dat can convince moiself dat hey...i will never change moi mind, i am v.sure he's e one... unless i can answer those questions dat i posted in e 2nd paragraph....otherwise, its a no no...not jux for moiself, but oso for moi partner, for everyone else ard us.....

nxt. . .

best frens dun lie to one another. . best frens dun even make use of one another w/o e other party not knowing wat is wrong? whether ure rite or wrong, we may nag, we may scold, but at e e end of e dae, u'll noe we'll alwix stand by u, respect ur decisions no matter wat. . but first u hafta be honest to us in order for us to jux stand by u........

in e past, u can use our frenship to threaten me when i refuse to heed ur advice cox of sme stupid guy/s which u gals cld c dat there is no future n its a mistake. . . but despite e fact dat u threaten using our frenship, i still, didnt lie to u.....................didnt hide anyting to u...i'd rather face e music, face e risk than hide....

but lk at urelf nw...jux lk at urself in e mirror....wat e hell is wrong w u?

all bcox we are all saying e truth which doesnt sound pleasing to ur ears n dat stupid guy out there gives u sweet n honeyed words, n there u are allowing him to pull ur nose n walk. . .

if he realli meant well for u, for ur well-being. . if he realli liked u, he'd haf search n find u thru frenster long time ago...why wait till when ure getting married then he come n lk for u?!?!? y y y ?!?!?! y r u jux so gullible?!?!?!?!

if he realli cares for u, he wld haf been there at e wake, no matter wat u sae.....did u hafta be e one sneaking out (using moi name w/o moi knowledge) to mit him? wat sorta crap is tis?!?!?!?

ure jux so blinded by e stupid honeyed words?!?! is dat wat ure lack of? cox i dun tink so u noe...ur husband alwix tells u sweet words which come frm his heart n u noe it!?!? ixit bcox u haf taken tings ard u for granted?

pls........i'd rather u jux anull e whole ting if u realli realli not sure, wana fool ard behind his back....forget it. . .

if dat sweet honeyed guy can provide wat ur husband can provide (not material but everyting else in actions n thru words dat ur husband has done n proven) , dat by all means, i'll be hapie for u....

maybe she's rite...ure too self centred...i never realli felt dat u were....or maybe ure still not realli dat self centred....but jux wat is wrong!??!?!!?

i cant even bring moiself to wana tok to u nw................................

MiXeD FeeLiNgs

it was moi best fren's wedding last nite (as in 29th nov)...firstly, i would like to comment that wedding is so tiring..its so scarie im so afraid of getting married cox realli v.v.tiring....keke...or maybe its i dunwana be a bridesmaid animore (ahaha) cox its realli v.tiring...

i was v.hapie e wedding went smoothly last nite...filled w emotions last nite...hapie when e bride is hapie, cried when e bride is crying..keke...cried 1st time cox its like dat kinda feeling where its ur daughter getting married...cried 2nd time during e solemnisation, saw her dad on stage witnessing e marriage...i jux felt so glad n alot of 'feelings'in chinese u call it 'GAN CHU'. cox i cld feel for e bride...like she's been thru so much shit bcox of wanting to grant the dad to be her witnesss....esp w her bro n sis-in-law...im so glad e dad finally got e chance to see her get married esp being the witness...i mean he, indeed has been longing for it...but was almost not being able to attend the wedding. . .

during e wedding nite, i finally got to c stan after so many mths...and esp after that incident and quarrel we had, or rather e angry me screaming moi top at him bcox of his gf (ex oreadi). . . i mean i was realli so angry back then when he jux suddenly msn me, asking me not to call and sms him, asking me to delete e photos which has him inside moi frenster all bcox of dat gf...and mind it...e reason y i was so angry was bcox when i knew abt him having a gf...i was so so hapie for him....but in e end, he jux came to me n sae such tings...i jux feel so angry back then cox even thou we're no longer an item...but still, no matter wat...we've been frens for 14yrs! u noe to me,i treasure moi frens for 14yrs alot! esp those dat im so close to (and that is of cox including him!) hw can he jux treat a fren of 14yrs jux liek dat over a girl for a few mths?!?!?! argh!!!!!!!!

anw e story is they broke up...dunoe y, when i saw him at the wedding dinner...suddenly, i haf lotsa mixed feelings...realli lotsa mixed feelings...its like i felt like going over to dat table cox all moi pri sch mates (my v.gd frens) were all there....but bcox he was there, i oso felt alil awkward to go over ...i v.much wanted to tok to him, but i was also afraid to...n then before i knew it, he's leaving....he lked at me, waved gdbye to me. . our eyes smehw i feel like communicated w e same feelings ( e kinda mixed feelings i haf) ...maybe im jux too sensitive....

tis time round, e feeling is i feel smehw alil different....as in ...previously maybe when i lk back...it cld be bcox i was single, lonely, nobody to care for me...so i jux alwix turn n lean back to stan...but tis time round it's weird...cox i haf a guy i supposingly like mah...n im quite close to him n i wanted to make tings happen between tis guy n i...thou we're still not together yet...but y when i see stan, i will haf such feelings...? y y y ?

smetimes i realli hate moiself being a Gemini...if ure smeone who's into horoscope...u'll understand y ........cox smetimes i jux hate moiself for not even knowing y do i behave in certain manners....esp w guys........... u noe its like smetimes i feel dat i tink i realli like tis guy, but in e end i dun like or not sure if i realli like . . n i dun even noe hw to differentiate between realli liking a guy or not..................i jux hate it....i hate to break pples' hearts which i noe i haf broken quite a few....moi frens alwix scold me, suan me...sae dat im a heartbreaker n call moi bfs another victim etc....i mean i realli hate it...frankly, smetiems i ask moiself ....who wouldnt wan to settle down with smeone he/she realli likes n likes him/her?!

sigh....................................................im so like a gemini....but i still love moi bdae........ekke